Conversations that repair rather than escalate
A simple structure for difficult conversations at home and at work, drawn from systemic therapy.
By Margit Hoffmann, Clinical Psychologist
Most conflicts are not about the topic on the table. They are about whether each person feels they matter. That is why arguing the facts more precisely so rarely helps.
A repair conversation has three parts: describe the specific moment without interpretation, name your own experience of it, and ask a genuine question about theirs. Interpretation is what turns a description into an accusation.
Timing matters as much as wording. Nobody repairs anything while physiologically flooded. If either of you is past that point, agree a time within twenty-four hours and stop.
Repair is not agreement. It is the restoration of goodwill, which is what makes disagreement survivable.
